I can finally see

For so long I existed in this world with a fog surrounding me, always blurring my vision. Years of pain, heartbreak after betrayal, punch after relentless attack, until I fully believed all it would take is one small hit to finally be my undoing entirely. I had my little world that surrounded me constantly watching as I tried so desperately to come up for air. I let them be spectators for years as I gasped to fill my lungs. Every so often I allowed for someone to grab my hand for just a moment, letting me catch my breath just long enough for me to be able to go back under and survive without air for just a bit longer.

Misery was the sea, depression were the waves that kept crashing, anxiety was the night sky above, pain and trauma were the tropical storms that came constantly, and I allowed this ocean to become my home. The unstable was the only stable I knew. The pain became a comfort, because at least it was a familiar feeling. My best friends were my wounds, because they were the first to be honest with me. Anger was my warmth through the chill of betrayal thrust upon me. I held her close, fearing the cold that would overtake me if I did not keep fueling her flames.

I can't tell you the exact moment I realized that anger no longer kept me warm, rather she was burning me. I don't remember the day that I discovered by holding on tightly to the swords wielded against me, I was the one causing myself to keep bleeding. Life, and others, may have inflicted the first cut but, in my moment of strength, I actually caused myself more pain. When I grabbed the blade from them as I finally gained the courage to take the sword, in what some may consider, acknowledging their bad behavior, I held on tightly to the weapon wielded against me. I thought I was protecting myself, feeling like I finally held the evidence to defend my case, but the tighter I held, the deeper the blade dug in, never allowing old wounds to heal but also causing new cuts to exist. May I never forget how I also used that same sword against others without realizing. In my attempt to show the weapon drawn against me, I carelessly wielded it against others.

Healing is not linear and some scars will never fade. I'd be lying if I said that old ocean doesn't still call out my name and though I no longer hold the sword, my body will never forget what she felt like through every stab and my skin will never forget the flaming feeling of each of her cuts.

To all those I let be spectators to my years of drowning, I would like to say, I have finally been able to stand up for full breaths of the cleanest air. Little did I know, that the ocean floor wasn't really that deep and the hands that helped me up in moments were nice, but all it took was for me to be the one to stand up on my own two feet.

How did I ever end up in the ocean of my own despair? Well, it is hard to find your path when that old fog I mentioned earlier clouds your vision.

I started this journey thinking the world was black and white. Either you are wrong or you are right. But as I grew, the world became the same gray as the fog. I tried to understand you could be wrong and right, you could be good and bad, you could be hurt while healing and you could be broken while whole. When I finally was able to get out of the sea of misery, I realized the world is not actually black and white and it definitely isn't gray.

The world, this life, is an array of colors. Some days are blue with moments of green. Yesterday they blended together creating teal, but on my drive home I saw a moment of pink. An instance of red isn't bad, unless I let it consume my day. If I allow enough yellow to take over, I can have orange. Some people I have met exude purple, and I love holding them close. Even those who wielded swords against me, I see that they are not totally good, bad or even neutral. Rather, my experience was my experience and they are who they are and that no longer concerns me. When I allowed myself to continue to bleed on their behalf, I allowed the colors to drain from me until my vision was blurred with my legs becoming weak and thus, my years of drowning.

Today was a lot of pink. I had a moment of a dull blue with a hint of gray sneaking in but it was quickly recovered by the prettiest shade of green.

What does any of this even mean? Well, nothing really, except I am happy to announce, for the first time in my life, I am finally and fully able to see and experience the absolutely beautiful and vivid world around me.